Debate...

I encounter this in class all the time. "The patient has this disease, not that." "No, I think that's wrong. She actually has this." It's a regular component of any profession, which actually improves the quality of learning and the quality of care -- nothing wrong with that. However, for many INFJs like me, any form of debate can become painfully draining and frustrating. I'm learning to get used to this torture, hopefully without too strong of an inferiority complex.

However, this makes encountering debate/conflict with others (i.e. among friends/partner) even more draining and frustrating. After a day of torture in class, one would expect a more verbally nurturing environment. Of course, life can't alter itself for me, but I can at least attempt to communicate to the ones I love how new things that weren't challenging before are excruciating now. One of those things involve debate.

To illustrate this, I chose to quote the writings of T. Wesley, a friend of mine who discussed his views of interpersonal argument and debate. He wrote it with another intention, but I feel it sums up my feelings of this subject quite well:


"In between two people, there are often arguments. It's rather natural for people to disagree with each other. Unfortunately, one of the crudest ways we, and myself included, have learned to deal with arguments is to win them. However, winning does not necessarily grant anything to a person past a temporary burst of serotonin before the next argument happens. When a person wins, another loses. Losing is something not something that people should be doing while in a relationship with another person. Often, an argument will try to reach justification with an explanation of injustice.

"'Like what?'

"When a person asks you, "Like what?" in an argument, they are often looking for the bottom line of the argument. They want the opportunity to find out what the problem is, and then explain it. However, in an argument, especially where nobody is listening to each other, "Like what?" becomes a position of power. If someone feels that they can explain their case, then they feel that they can win the argument and therefore effectively feel justified. However, in a relationship, an argument like this is a bad sign of what's going on. It's a drastic attempt to justify feelings, which are often uncontrollable and hard to deal with. Dios mio, it can be hard to deal with.

"However the fact of the matter is, when it comes down to it, a person that you care about is a person that you do not try to defeat in a relationship. In fact, in an equal relationship, arguments should come out with an equal understanding of both persons' feelings. And usually to have that, it requires at least a deep attempt to try to understand, and then you go from there. And that, is a little bit more easy to understand, with a good heart."